Episode 4 - How Your THOUGHTS Are Depleting You: Mom Tired Series
CLICK TO LISTEN: EPISODE 4 - THE MOM JOY PODCAST
Hi mama friends!! So today we are officially diving into our Mom Tired Series, and I am laughing because as I was prepping some notes for this episode this morning, I was feeling SO STINKING exhausted from pregnancy. It was just one of those mornings I was feeling a variety of symptoms and just pretty much dragging. I'm going to be totally honest with you, I had to go take a nap. But, I gave my body what it needed, shifted my mindset, and here I am -- still showing up for you guys even when I am TIRED!
Man, doesn't that just summarize how we often feel in motherhood, though? Having to still show up for our kids and homes even when we're completely wiped out? So, because this is pretty much the norm for many of our everyday lives and just deeply engrained in mom culture these days -- we're spending the next several weeks in this Mom Tired Series to really unpack what are some of the SNEAKY energy stealers that are draining us and burning us out - and learn together how we actually have control over many of these things! If there is one thing I've learned in my own journey of reviving my experience of motherhood, it's that I am EMPOWERED to do so in so many more ways than I ever imagined. I'm not helpless to my circumstances or the way I feel.
CLICK TO LISTEN: EPISODE 4 - THE MOM JOY PODCAST
So, one of the things that is really important to me is empowering YOU to build a foundation of emotional, spiritual and physical health so that showing up for your everyday life is so much easier and more invigorating. I've worked through a lot of parent trainings and programs and books in the past, which come with so many amazing suggestions and ideas for how to discipline and be a parent - but I've just always had this nagging feeling that something was missing. I don't know if you've ever had this experience in reading parenting material, but it just makes me think - yeah, these are great strategies, but these strategies can only really work if you're in a place to implement them.
Like being calm when our kids are having full blown meltdowns. Being calm can be really hard to implement if you don't feel like it. Like, if you don't have the emotional bandwidth to be calm - then how in the world are you going to actually follow through with that parenting strategy?! For moms struggling with their emotions like anger, anxiety or depression - or even physical health problems that are wearing them out - implementing parenting strategies becomes REALLY hard. When we don't feel well mentally and physically, it doesn't matter if we know allllll the positive parenting strategies and have all the positive intentions to respond to our kids calmly. Because without laying the groundwork for ourselves to be healthy in body, mind, and soul, we have the hardest time showing up for our families in a healthy way. And ultimately, it doesn't serve our families and it makes us feel like failures.
Which is why I really wanted to take several weeks to talk about our overall wellbeing as moms. I really believe that all of the positive changes we want to see in our homes and in our lives - starts with us being well in our body, mind, and soul.
And, I know, that can be the most irritating thing to hear because we want to see change right NOW. We don't want change for our family to be dependent on us, because that feels too daunting or overwhelming. And we are so used to putting ourselves as last on the list or viewing self-care as a luxury we just can't afford right now. Because we think everyyyything else is far more important than ourselves and that there's some badge of honor for continually sacrificing our needs. Is this sounding familiar to you? This was totally my attitude when I first became a mom, and it was killing me.
So - we're flipping that script right around. I KNOW you've heard it before - but I'm telling you again today, because it is ESSENTIAL. You MUST put yourself first to start seeing the change you want to see in yourself, your family, and your home. If we, as moms, are not the first ones in our homes to be healthy - its hard for other people and areas in our home to bear fruit.
But, listen. I know you well enough that you are probably already letting that thought trigger you into guilt or shame - I know that's how our brains work as moms. But you can stop yourself right now in your tracks - because today's episode and many of the ones to follow are specifically about how you can get yourself into a healthier place to serve your family well. I am going to highlight for you many of the ways that are holding you back and burning you out. And today we're going to be talking specifically about our THOUGHTS. We're going to talk about how our thoughts are draining the life from us and how we can tap into our thoughts to change our everyday experiences of our lives.
Why Our Thoughts Matter
Okay so, if you know me at all, you KNOW I am thrilled to be talking about the topic of our THOUGHTS today because this is the very work I do coaching moms. It doesn't matter what moms come to me with, during our coaching sessions, I really hone in on what is going on in their brain. So, moms will come to me with a variety of problems that feel just absolutely insurmountable to them -- and what I LOVE is that during our sessions we often uncover that there are just some simple thought errors she's having that are contributing to these problems. And the great news about thought errors is that they are totally fixable. So we're going to talk about these today!
So before we dive in, I just want to remind you ladies - that is what I'm here for. If you're having some challenges right now in your everyday motherhood - maybe with your kids or the way you're feeling - I'm here for you. My gifts are clarity and problem solving, and I love being able to hear your stories and shed light on what's going on and what action steps you can take to move forward. And I try to make support and problem solving very affordable and easily accessible to you.
I offer coaching that ranges anywhere from one-time sessions, to monthly or even weekly sessions so that you can have someone there for you. So, please don't even hesitate for another second if you've been mulling on the idea about getting support. You can always learn more about coaching at my website angelajoyevans.com. or get more information by sending me an e-mail to angela@angelajoyevans.com .
Now, let's talk about this sneaky thing called our thoughts. So, when thinking about my own experience with burnout - and what I see all the time as I'm working with moms who are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted - I knew I wanted to dive into the topic of thoughts with you ladies FIRST because it is so absolutely foundational - and life changing. If you've ever heard the term "change your thoughts, change your life," it totally rings true. And while - yes - this work is something I do with all of my clients - it's also something I'm very well acquainted with personally because my coach has done this with me.
And because of that, I have learned from experience that our thoughts can be one of the all-time sneakiest energy stealers - because first of all, we have thoughts about EVERYTHING, and second of all, we often don't even realize what we're thinking most of the time. We can have a variety of negative or unhelpful thoughts that will typically run under the surface on autopilot all day long - and by the end of the day these thoughts have sucked us completely dry.
How Our Brains Work
Okay - so in order for you to be empowered with your brain and your thoughts - you have to first understand what in the world is going on in your head.
So here is how our brains work: first of all you have to know that we have like a gazillion thoughts everyday that are like popcorn. They are just poppin' up and flying all over the place. According to the National Science Foundation, an average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. And if I had to guess, I'd think that moms in particular are on that higher end, because we are keeping track of everythingggg. Also, this is the craziest part, the National Science Foundation says that of those 12,000-60,000 thoughts, 80% of them are negative and listen to this - 95% of these negative thoughts, are repetitive thoughts.
So we are basically having negative thoughts all day long, often about the same things. We just keep thinking the same, unhelpful thoughts over and over again. We grab onto these thoughts, assume they are true, and accept them.
What happens next with these thoughts is that our brains send chemical signals in our body that trigger a feeling, or emotion. This happens with all emotions - sadness, loneliness, anger, annoyance. There is a thought or many thoughts behind it that is triggering the feeling in our body. So obviously if we are having fearful thoughts, that will trigger a feeling of anxiety in our body.
And then following that feeling that was triggered in our body - we will have some sort of reaction to our circumstances or the people around us. Our thoughts and our feelings always determine the actions we take or what we do. And all of these reactions we have over time - create our results.
So let's say you're having 60,000 thoughts a day, 80% of them are fearful or anxious thoughts, and 95% of those anxious thoughts are just on repeat in your head all day long. Those repetitive, anxious thoughts that are just on autopilot in your brain throughout the day are causing you the feeling of anxiety. And that feeling of anxiety is causing you to do things like constantly researching, overthinking, meticulously cleaning, yelling at your kids or husband, not going out with friends or inviting help into your house, not take action on the things you'd like to do, the list can go on forever.
So not only are these anxious, autopilot thoughts burning you out mentally and emotionally - but it's causing you to do all these things that are burning you out physically.
The same thing applies to anger, guilt, sadness. Any emotion. Your thoughts are dictating how you feel. And more importantly, Hear me on this - I don't want you to miss it:
The thoughts we think make up the lives we live. Our thoughts are steering the direction of our lives, making up how we experience our everyday, and giving us the results we have.
So, if we don't like our current results, like feeling completely burnt out, overwhelmed, angry - we can always trace it back to your THOUGHTS. It's not your circumstances or even your kids or your husband that are burning you out. We like to blame them. But really, it's 100% your thoughts.
CLICK TO LISTEN: EPISODE 4 - THE MOM JOY PODCAST
How Do I Regain Control Over My Thought Life?
So. If it is our thoughts that are burning us out, how do we regain control? Well, my friend, let me tell you - the best news is that ALL of your thoughts are OPTIONAL. Remember how we talked about how your thoughts are like popcorn? Just popping up all over the place all day long. Uninvited. You don't have to work very hard for a thought to pop into your mind. Your brain just does it for you. But you have several POWERFUL tools at your disposal to get control over your thought life.
The first tool you have available to you is the power of God. My coach talks frequently about the verse
2 Peter 1:3, which says, "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness."
Which, on the topic of burnout, means He has already given us everything we need to take control over our thoughts and change our experience of life. He has equipped us with the power of His Holy Spirit and His Word - The Bible, to overcome burnout and live our everyday lives in a way that honors Him because He is so good. We have His spirit empowering us and his written words to guide us. We are not powerless to our thoughts and feelings. We are empowered to transform and live godly lives because He loves us and cares for us and gave us these gifts of empowerment. So that is your fuel for change: the Holy Spirit and The Bible are both readily available to you. So empowerment to change is also yours right now, no matter how long it's been since you've felt close to God. You have the Lord behind you, within you, and before you.
And because God is so good, he's given us the power to take our thoughts captive. Which is just a fancy way of saying that another tool you have available to you is the power to choose your thoughts. Because, again, your thoughts are completely optional. We often live our lives believing everything we think is right and true. I mean, how often do we actually challenge our own thoughts or tell ourselves we're wrong? But, like I mentioned earlier - sometimes our brain will offer up to us thought errors. So a thought error is exactly what it sounds like - just a little error in your thinking. But the great thing about identifying thought errors is that they are totally fixable.
So, let's just go back to this popcorn analogy, with how our thoughts are like popcorn. Often, even in a good bag of popcorn, some pieces still get a little burned inside. Now when you look at a bowl of popcorn, you have the option or even the power to choose which pieces of popcorn you eat. You don't HAVE to eat the burned ones. The same thing applies to your thoughts. You can hold up your thoughts like a piece of popcorn and ask yourself - is this one that I want? Is this a thought that is good and helpful and will serve me? Or is this a thought that is a little burned around the edges, and I don't really want? We have a say in what thoughts we choose to believe!
I don't want you to miss this, because this very thing is going to change your life.
Your thoughts are OPTIONAL. This is amazing because it means that you are NOT stuck, trapped or confined to your typical ways of thinking. You have the authority to choose what thoughts you want to believe. You can choose to believe very powerful thoughts about your life, your kids, your marriage, your health. And these powerful, beneficial thoughts will serve you. These thoughts are your ticket to new feelings, new actions, new results and a new life.
And, remember, God is empowering you and equipping you to do this. You CAN transform your everyday. Feel invigorated by motherhood, and love showing up for yourself and your kids. You CAN overcome burnout and your thoughts are a vehicle to help you do this.
Now, the natural next question is, how in the world do we examine our thoughts, when we are so used to letting them run on autopilot under the surface? I'm glad you asked. This is where another tool you have available to you comes into play. The power to prepare ahead of time and choose thoughts intentionally. We'll call this tool a Thought Download. This is one of the tools I will use with my clients, and I want to share it with you guys today because I want to see you begin taking empowered steps in your life and seeing change. The work here is to have intentional time set aside to decide how you WANT to think ahead of time so that you can begin intervening for yourself in the moments you are feeling triggered or are acting in ways you don't want to be.
So for this thought download, you will sit down with a piece of paper - draw a vertical line right down the middle to divide it. On one side you will write down a few areas you want to see change (this could be your health, kids, marriage... whatever!) and for each of those you'll begin freely writing down any AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS that come to mind. Whatever first comes to mind about that area, write those down. Next, after you've taken some time to do a bit of an inventory on your automatic thoughts, you'll switch over to the other side of the paper and begin writing the INTENTIONAL THOUGHTS you WANT to be having about these areas. So one thing that can help you in this process is imagining the type of woman you are wanting to be. What do you want to be like? You can write down your thoughts from this perspective - What kind of thoughts does SHE have about these areas? What does SHE believe about her health, her kids, her marriage?
This is such a powerful exercise because it's going to help you first of all, see what in the world is going on in your brain. It's going to help you make connections and see thought patterns. And it's going to help you to begin to create thoughts that are intentional that you want to deploy at the times you're feeling triggered. So you can keep this list of empowered thoughts somewhere you see it often and refer back to when you're feeling that sense of burnout or anxiety or anger.
My coach had me actually turn these thoughts into what she calls "declarations." I typed up these powerful declarations about my life and would read in the morning to keep me grounded and remind me of the lens I want to view my day through. So you can have fun with this exercise - make it pretty. Or if that's not your thing, don't overthink it. The most important thing is that you are taking time to examine your automatic thoughts and create new, intentional thoughts. I'm telling you, this is one of the most powerful activities, and I'm just giving it away for free to you all. So I hope you will take some time today or tomorrow do this exercise.
I will be really curious to hear your empowered thoughts as you do them. You can even take it a step further and schedule a coaching call with me where we can unpack your thought download further. If you are listening to this today and you're feeling really drawn to this idea of thought work and you're ready to take it to the next level, please reach out. I really believe that as you identify what thoughts are keeping you stuck and replace them with powerful declarations over your life, your family, and your circumstances, you will begin to see serious change in how you show up everyday, how you feel about life, how your family responds.
Everything begins to shift when you are intentional with your brain. I know it because I've experienced it, and I see it with my clients. I am more than happy to walk with you in this journey of shifting your headspace to one that will lead you down the road you want your life to be going. You can reach me by emailing me at angela@angelajoyevans.com.